Let’s talk about Dating Mindset for this episode of Luxdates First Date Kit.
Choosing your partner in life is one of the most important decisions you can make in your lifetime, if not THE most important.
How we think about meeting someone can greatly determine the outcome of the date.
Today we are looking at three components and they are
Expectations (Transactional Mindset)
The Confidence Spiral vs. Healthy Confidence
At a workshop I gave recently I asked the male and female participants to list desirable attributes in a partner.
Confidence came out on top, and this is what research findings confirm over and over.
Confidence is key to being in a strong position to find the right match.
Now, a lot of people have low confidence BECAUSE they don’t have someone special in their lives. They feel that they are not worthy and that nobody wants them. They have been in the dating game for a while, unsuccessfully, perhaps even with a string of toxic relationships and their confidence is at an all-time low.
What they’re communicating to the other person in a date is either:
SAVE ME or I AM AT A LOW POINT AND I WILL DRAG YOU WITH ME.
Neither is attractive to someone with a healthy dose of self-respect.
If you don’t feel that you are in this space, perhaps take a little break, give yourself a dating-holiday, work on your confidence and then start again!
Seriousness vs. Fun, Lightheartedness
Deciding on the person you spend the rest of your life with, is a serious topic.
Yet, that same sense of seriousness can lay like a lead blanket over that first date and ruin that first impression.
You don’t have to decide right away at the first date whether you are going to marry the person. That comes much, much later!
What you are deciding is only whether you would like to see the person again.
So, you are allowed to take it easy!
At a first date, we should show up as our Best Selves! That does not necessarily mean that you have to be slim and beautiful (it does help, but most importantly you need to feel good in your skin), but fun, engaging, and connecting.
People develop good and strong connections over POSITIVITY and FUN.
Seriousness also comes from over-analyzing. Analyzing the other person’s behaviour, analyzing your own behaviour, beating yourself up, all at the same time.
Over-analyzing stops you from being in the moment.
Think of the date as a dance. Be light on your feet and in your heart. Be in the moment.
Will you dance well together?
And yes, you are allowed to FLIRT! This is not a job interview!
Expectations Transactional Mindset vs open mindset, genuine curiosity, interest
A lot of people have a very transactional mindset when it comes to first dates. They scan the other against their mental shopping list of what a partner should look like. And if the other doesn’t conform, they will be discarded.
They only go on dates with the single purpose of meeting their life partner. They treat it like a job. Now, does that sound like fun? I guess it doesn’t.
What gets forgotten is that it’s making the connection with the other person that’s important. First, they may show a different side of themselves if they feel at ease. Second, even if they are not who you are looking for, they may have a brother/sister/friend who might be just the ticket!
Now we have three elements that are important to a successful dating mindset:
1. Confidence – How do you get there?
a. One good place to start is writing down 3 things about you that you like. Ask your friends about your strengths. Ask them to be specific! Do super woman/super man stance. Fake it until you become it! Amy Cuddy Ted Talk or book.
2. Engagement – speaking and acting with a sense of enthusiasm about yourself and the world.
a. What passions do you have – outside your job?
b. What excites you? Is it a hobby, a cause, a person?
c. What’s the funniest thing that happened to you this week?
3. Curiosity – you are going to meet another person. How exciting! Who is he or she?
What makes him or her tick? Maybe he or she is not husband/wife “material”, but the important thing here is to be genuinely interested in the other person.
a. Ask open questions: ie who in your life has had a lasting influence on you?
Whom do you admire and why?
b. Showing genuine curiosity allows the other person to access their own positive emotions, which makes them feel more positive towards you and the experience they shared with you. This will allow them to open up and engage in a quality exchange with you which in turn will also allow YOU to access positive emotions.
SO HOW DO YOU KNOW WHICH DATING MINDSET YOU HAVE?
Imagine you go on a date, it’s raining, and a car drives by and messes up your outfit.
How do you deal with the situation? Will you arrive at the date angry and embarrassed, mentioning your messed up outfit the whole evening? Or will you just laugh about it, even make a joke about it and not mention it again?
HOW you deal with the situation determines your mindset and your impact on others.
As Viktor Frankl said “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
If you are confident, but your date isn’t – be kind. You don’t know what this person is going through right now. They may not be the partner that you want at this phase in your life, but they will remember if you treated them kindly.
Most important: Have fun!