Albert Einstein supposedly said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
In my matchmaking and dating coaching practice, I meet a lot of singles who do just that.
During my 90 minute intake interview, I ask my clients a lot of questions about their past relationships (and that of their parents), to discover any possible patterns. I get to know my clients really well to make sure they are compatible before introducing them.
A lot of my clients come to me with what I call a “shopping list”. They have a clear idea about their prospective partner’s age, height, looks, spoken languages, education, accomplishments, outlook on life, job, personality traits, and hobbies.
As their advisor, it is my job to be realistic with them and discover areas that are open to negotiation. It is not unheard of that past relationships have failed because people fall for a certain “type” – regardless of whether this “type” was actually good for them.
Reducing a narrow playing field even further by limiting oneself to hair colour, height, nationality, or hobby, is a form of self-boycott.
As a matchmaker, I love talking not only to singles, but also to successful couples. I always ask two questions:
- How did you meet?
- Was he/she exactly what you were looking for?
What do you think the most common answer to the second question is?
It’s a “no”, followed with a laugh. Successful couples fall in love with a real person, not with their ideal of what the person should be like.
People in successful relationships have given themselves a chance at happiness by being open
to someone, even if he or she has traits they were not looking for or have “baggage” (as children are often considered).
The truth is, we all walk through life, living it, leaving and receiving scars, acquiring different forms of “baggage”. None of us is perfect. It is the trials and tribulations we go through (and learn from, hopefully) that have shaped us into the person we are.
And yet, in our imperfection, we may be perfect for someone else, as someone imperfect may be perfect for us.
Repeating patterns, limiting our choices, and expecting to be successful – that somehow doesn’t sound right, does it?
Change in a person can only occur if he or she is willing to do something completely different from their usual routine. This goes for dating, too.
So, in order to mix things up a bit for 2020 and break out of your routine, why not try to give the person who doesn’t fit your type scheme to the T a chance? Why not go on a date somebody taller/shorter, younger/older, with children?
You might be pleasantly surprised.
What are your ideas for improving your chances for success on a date? What are the three things you would like to change in 2020? Let me know.
I wish you a wonderful, happy and healthy 2020, filled with love!