The Sound Relationship House is a theory developed by Drs John and Julie Gottman, the world’s leading relationship psychologists.
The Sound Relationship House Theory is the Gottman Method’s foundation, which uses a practical approach to help couples break through barriers to achieve greater understanding, connection, and intimacy in their relationships. The Gottman Couples Method is at the core of Luxdates’ philosophy of a successful relationship.
In a series of articles, we introduce this concept to build a better relationship with your partner.
Today’s article is about the sixth floor of the Sound Relationship House: Make Life Dreams Come True.
Do you remember that question from your childhood days – “What do you want to be when you grow up”? It’s a question about the dreams and aspirations we have in life.
As life’s path continues, we may fulfil these dreams, or maybe not. There’s the twists and turns life offers us, the choices we make, and the dreams that may change.
The beauty of a sound relationship is that you have someone who will encourage you in your goals and help you reach them. Making life’s dreams become reality shows that you want the best possible life for your partner and are willing to do what it takes to make that happen.
The fifth level of Gottman’s Sound Relationship house goes beyond listening and learning about what the other party wants; it is about helping them make those dreams, goals and aspirations come true.
In his research, Dr John Gottman discovered that many seemingly pointless and frustrating issues accumulated in a relationship are anything but insignificant. In truth, they are rooted in our deepest and most meaningful dreams, hopes, and desires for our own lives, as well as the life that we share with our partner.
Having unfulfilled dreams can make you perceive the relationship as an obstacle to achieving goals, followed by resentment against your partner. Booth partners start turning against each other and blame the other for missed opportunities and unmet dreams. In turn, your significant other becomes your opposition rather than your ally. Emotional detachment is the consequence.
Conversely, honouring each other’s dreams can be exciting, fulfilling, and much more feasible. How much easier is it to accomplish something when you have someone supporting you each step of the way?
“Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse”Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages
Suppose the two of you feel that one another’s positions on these recurring problems are irrational, unreasonable, unnecessarily inflexible, or completely incomprehensible. In that case, you are likely to feel betrayed, disrespected, hurt, isolated, or generally detached from each other. For couples to avoid getting trapped in gridlock, they need to share their dreams and aspirations. It may be something easy to fix, like a new coat of paint on the walls (“I always wanted to have a yellow kitchen.”) or something grander like studying for another degree.
All couples have areas in which they face perpetual conflict. Understanding what lies beneath it helps you end what has likely felt like an endlessly mystifying and increasingly painful and damaging series of conversations. It will also help you to understand your partner.
Start with yourself:
- What do you want to be?
- How do you want your life to be?
- What do you want to accomplish?
Create a dream board. Show it to your partner and encourage him/her to do the same. Then create a dream board for the two of you.
I did this exercise with my husband, and this is the result (taped to our fridge):
As you can see, travel, learning, food, sports, and dogs are essential pillars of our lives. Visualising a dream is a great tool to make it come true.
So, allow yourself to voice your dreams, share them with your partner and let him/her do the same. Then work making them real. Start today!