Too Much, Too Soon

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Meeting Your Dream Man/Woman

You just met your dream man/woman, you get along really, really well. The other person seems to know what you’re thinking, you laugh at the same things, and there is this wonderful, sizzling chemistry. Every time you meet, you feel like you’re walking on clouds. There’s no doubt: you’re in love, and it’s forever.

You want to tell the World about this special person: your friends, your parents. You want to take this wonderful human being to company events and introduce him (or her) as your official partner.

You’re in love. You buy presents for your new partner, and you profess your love to him (or her). You talk about going on a vacation together, and, after all, wouldn’t it be better (and cheaper) to live together? 

Less Time For You?

And then, all of a sudden, your new boyfriend/girlfriend has less time for you. They don’t return your texts of phone calls with as much enthusiasm as they used to. They’re ‘busy’. No, they can’t take you on that trip/that night out with friends. 

What happened?

In very easy terms, it could be explained away with the “hunter instinct”, the “hunter” has lost interest in his prey. Or the other person has a “fear of commitment”.

In reality, it’s a bit more complex.

Have you ever encountered the situation when someone invaded your personal space? It’s not a nice feeling. Maybe this person sat too close to you on a bus, or, during a conversation, kept touching your arm or your leg. You tried to be subtle, move further away a bit, but the other person inevitably kept edging closer.

Every person has a unique need for closeness and distance. What may be normal to you, may be too close (or too distant) for the other person. Every person has also their own speed for developing a relationship.

Picture yourself driving in a car on a highway. There’s a car behind you, driving up very close. Whatever you do, driving faster, driving slower, the other car is always right behind you. How do you feel? Annoyed, for sure. But also under pressure.

Pressure is what a person with a need for more distance feels when you profess your undying love too soon, and subtly leave real estate catalogues on your coffee table. And how do people react to pressure? They try to evade it. And that’s what happens in relationships that have not yet established a healthy closeness/distance dance. One partner evades the pressure and leaves.

So what can you do? There’s a lot to be said for taking it slow in the early phases of a relationship. Take your time to discover the other person. Also take the time to discover yourself and your own needs. In a mature relationship, both partners dance in a closeness/distance continuum. They allow the other person (and themselves) space, without losing the intimacy of the relationship. 

Perhaps there’s a reason why you have such a need for closeness. And who could you be with less of that need? Perhaps there’s a reason for the other person’s need for distance. And who could he or she be with of that need?

Who could you both be, as a couple, if you learned to dance in your very own closeness/distance continuum?

Relationship and Couples Coaching

If you are interested in discovering more about this topic in yourself, or your relationship, I offer relationship and couples coaching. Simply reach out to me at Claudia@luxdates.lu and we can set up a call. Read more about Luxdates’ membership on this page.

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